These last few days i've had this constant thinking of why this, why that. If only this if only that in which all ended the same way i realize those are all in the past and i can either live to regret it living the whats if or i move on toward a better me using those mistakes i've made along the way.

So i call it walking down the memory lane. But no, i didnt pick only the nice and sweet memories. Mostly i choose the rough, hard path i've taken and how it shape me to be who and what i am today. To other people we can always lie, smile and happy go lucky attitude covers all those cries of despair inside. And i for one never seems to be bothered with all the scars and wounds i've gained through my journey. Not true :) i cried, got really sad and broken hearted. But instead of denying it, i let myself having the luxury of taking time to be oh so blue :P  and by doing so, i can forgive and move on.

Letting Go

Lately I have been thinking to myself. what actually letting go mean to me. In term of my relationship with the one I love? Because i am questioning myself with letting go and not fighting for.  If I love him, I should fight for the one I love. right?? yes!! that’s a big YES for that. Can't let go without fighting for it. Without even trying!! that’s will make me a coward. That will be a justification for what I am not doing. And i am not a coward.

So I found my justification  and that is I've Fight for the one I love but if I cannot have him for myself, i will have to let him go. Letting go now means that I am free to remember all the sweet memories, that I am free to wish him happiness and joy & Love of his life. Letting go mean that i can freely love him from a distance without ever thinking of having back on my life, to share my days and night. letting go mean i can keep all those good memories and love him in the best way by letting him have the best that he deserve to have.

Letting go mean that if he chooses someone else it does not mean that I am not good enough for him or he is too bad for me. It just that we have a different path and we can't not put them together. So we take our own way to reach our ultimate happiness and joy of life.

To love you more...to Let you Free
Medan, April 01,2009

• To Love for Love itself

  I grew up as the second child in my family.Born after my beautiful n smart sister who has all the gift as being the frist born it was not a strange thing if i then run after my sis in all the aspects of our life. But that didnt happen to me Why? simply because i am living in a household where my parents and grandparents love me for being me. yeap thats really cool!! i dont have to be the number one in everything or have to be better than anyone else. I just need to be the kind i am, and i am loved!!
  
  Why am i bragging about this?? because lately i have been asking myself all over about the reason why we have to stand up for others. I found it weird that people have the symphaty for those in Lebanon because they are Muslims. So am i not allowed to help them? am i not allowed to show them my symphaty just because i am not a muslim?? thats strange!!! OK!! thats not all of it. but thats a very simple yet clear way to show it. But there are many other things and many other times when we do something because of a reason because of this and that.
  
  So, my question is simple can we not do anything without expecting this and that in return? Can we not do anything simply because we want to do it? not because we have to do it, not because we know them. Not for any reason but we WANT TO.
  
  Can we not love someone, something for no reason. Not because they are near and dear. Not because they are kind to us, not because we need it but simply out of love itself? that we want to take it into our heart, that we love it for no reason but the loving heart that has been granted in each of us??
  
  Medan, January 10, 2009 
  Sylvia Sipayung
  to Love...to Act
  
   
  

• Year of Grace and Mercy !!

  Everytime i celebrate new year's eve i remember this verse Jeremiah 29:11
  This started in 1998. When the monetery crisis starts in Indonesia.At that time i was working in Sincom Panasonic in Batam as an operator. Life seems to be so scary. Everything seems to get real tough. There's no hope for a better day at that time:)
  
  
  Then at 31st of December 1997, i attended the mass in my church GKPS in Batam. The sermon was taken from this verse and what make it so special is the summary given by the preacher.  He ended the sermon with " I Know that this new coming year is a year full of challenges, hardships and struggles. But i know for me this year will be a year of Grace and Mercy. a year of abundance Love & Joy!! a year of Blessings!! because i know that i have a God who have my life on His hand and He  plans my days the way i can not understand And He plans with His love that endure forever. His steadfast love never fails and all that He plans for me is the very best!!"  It ease my worries and fear and i see the new dawn of new year 1998 with a renewed hope and strenght. and yes that year i got my promotion from operator to Senior operator. God plans the very best of all for those who surrender to Him.
  
  
  And every new year's eve i recall to this verse and especially at the new year's eve of 2009. Seems like this verse again stand tall for me to strengthen me. Renew my hope. Tho life seems so cruel and everything seems to go wrong. I know that God only let anything happen in my life for the better me. I know i can believe and surrender to the plans He has for me. I know i can believe in my God the Lord of all my years. The Lord of my life. My Lord, my Redemer, my Protector & Provider. I know and believe that if i follow His plans, doesnt matter what stumbles on my way. I know the final result is the Very Best of God's plan and thats the VERY BEST of all. Because as what He declares on that verse His plan is to prosper me and not to harm. His plan is to give me hope and a future. and that future in this yeaar is the future of Grace and Mercy.
  
  
  Praise be to God for the year of Grace and Mercy. For the year of Blessings!! a year of Love, Peace and Joy.
  
  
  Medan, To any new day of new year
  Hope...Faith and Love
  Sylvia Sipayung

My Worst enemy, My Greatest Love

I am pretty sure that we all have once or twice go face to face with our mother and have a day we will remember for life. Its either the the way she rules our life, or the way she choose what she thinks right for us or how she command how we should live our life :)

I've had that day with my mother and until today i can remember it clearly as if i am actually living it the moment. But that's not the only one that i remember about my relationship with my mother. There are a lot more times, a lot more places, a lot more reasons and a lot more excuses to start a day with her. She is just like that. The biggest enemy as she command everything and everyone as she likes (that's how i felt that time when i was growing up and experience puberty hormones). Then when i pass that puberty hormones, there she was again being my biggest enemy as she always seems to know what best and that i have to follow suit :)

Through all that stages, we mostly remember the bad hair day we had with our mother. And many times it cloud over the great things she did like waking up late at night just to get me a drink cos i was sick. And while i am sleeping she had to hold on into something to keep herself awake through the night. Just in-case i woke up and ask for drink or just had a nightmare. Now that i am getting mature :) and see it with a better point of view, with a broaden understanding, i see the wisdom my mother taught me. Through all the days bad and worse she still support me. It doesn't really matter to her how i mess my life or how good i am, she simply loves and support me, to be what the happy me. To see me living my life in joy is her utmost joy and that's a mother's beauty.

Medan, February 01, 2012
Copyright©Sylvia Sipayung 

A GLASS OF SWEET MEMORIES

It’s easier to go on
Accepting that it’s all gone
After all that said and done
I have to go on

There are so many memories for me to cherish
Why wasting life in bitterness
Tomorrow the sun will again rise
Pick your glass up and let’s say... cheers

We have had so much time
We have shared so many dreams
In our garden of love we have had the time of our own

When the moon shine over the blue lagoon

Copyright©Sylvia Sipayung

The Journey

Its been tough, breathtaking, lonely, wonderful and all :) its a journey to find myself and sometimes it gets tiring, boring and all that makes me feel like worthless. Like my struggle goes away for nothing, like all that i have done is useless. But then there were the moment when i slowly found myself. What i am, what i wanna be, where i am heading for and how i wanna go there. When i was younger i used to decide that something has to be that way or this way. Most of time its my way or the high way :)  And along with the growing length of my road so grow my mind and my understanding. Now instead of declaring that things are ugly just because its not the way i want it, i learn to take a closer look and find something amusing or amazing on the new looks. I learn to appreciate the others point of view. I learn to appreciate of how they view it if i can not enjoy the view. Thus enable me to see the beauty in the choice not made by me.

As time goes by, from a day to dusk to another dawn i learn that everything has its value, has it meaning and has its own time. So for everything there is a time and for everything there's a reason. Its doesnt have to be my way or the highway. To me now its only about get on my way, enjoying the journey, take time to get in touch with all that around along the journey and go far. Either i finally go the place i plan to be or ending up somewhere else far far away, i am sure its only about appreciating whats there and get to get myself the reason to be and i will feel fully alive :)


Medan, January 27, 2012
Copyright©Sylvia Sipayung

Year of 2012

Days gone by, a day to a week to month to year and suddenly we are facing another year. However hard the hardships we have faced last year,we are here today in the new year of 2012..The year some says as end of the world. The year where the cycle of Mayan's calendar stop. But whatever have done,its gone and whatever not yet come still a mystery. So,what we have is today and today alone.Let's live our life today to the very best of what we are. To live it to what makes us happy and by doing so hope affect someones day too. But at least we owe it to our self to live to our best as a thanksgiving of life we live.

CARPE DIEM!

Medan, January 26,2012
Copyright©Sylvia Sipayung

What if

There are surely time when each of us questioning our life, questioning what we are, what we going to do with our life. Where are we heading to? So many times then we would say what if i have done this that way or this way? An endless questions, an endless quest that is really tiring and if we can not find the answer of what we really are then we are bound to go for a long long tiresome quest. Thank God if we make it through and come out winning, finding the true meaning of our existence, the true calling of our being. That will be a victorious journey. But sometimes its not about being a victorious end but simply about get to the other end of your journey save and sound, satisfied, older and wiser :) knowing that you are alive and that you are Happy being alive. 

Just now i am writing to a question in a group post on one of the group i joined about women. This girl asking for opinions and advice about her life and how she should go with it.  She is asking what if she stops what she is doing now which is pursuing for her Phd and makes her family and friends happy and proud of her.  Now what if she stops doing that? Will they still be as happy and as proud as they are now seeing her pursuing her Phd.  Another case, her ex bf cheated on her and now she is starting new relationship and worries of what if this guy also lie? What if he too will hurt and leave her brokenhearted? Should she loves him still and find out or should she leave him and be on her own.

Those what if question tends to kill us silently since we usually use it in a negative terms to describe of things that we are afraid of.  Just wonder how bout we use that in positive terms to describe things that we will regret if we are not doing it :)  Sometimes those what if just brings us further from our happiness. Lets just live it one day at a time and live it to the fullest!

Medan, January 24, 2012
Life is a struggle worth to fight for
Copyright©Sylvia Sipayung